Random Thoughts While Swimming

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Earlier this week, I read a thread on Slowtwitch that focused on what people think about when they are swimming, biking or running.  The thread was pretty interesting.  Some people talked about how they get into a “Zen” and get really self reflective.  Others comment that they focus on their form, what they’re trying to accomplish during the workout, and such.

Me?

Apparently, I’m nowhere near as deep as some of those folks.

I decided that I’d sort of keep track of things I thought of during last night’s swim; randomness prevailed.  Some things were focused on what I was doing….and others were, well, just random.

For your reading pleasure, a few of the really random things that popped in my head during the 75 minutes I was in the pool:

“Man- it’s really windy tonight”

“This water is colder today than it was Tuesday”

“Why are lane lines black?”

“Breathe on 4 strokes, then 2”

“That was a great lap!”

“Don’t cross the arm over center”

“High elbows”

“Why is the swim coach yelling at his kids?”

“I love warm water coming out of the jets”

“I need to pee”

“I wonder how many people just go in the pool?”

“90 degree elbows on the pull”

“Ugh – that burp tasted like peanut butter”

“What lap was this?”

“I love that Yoda knit cap that coach has on”

“I wonder what swimming in Lake Erie will be like?”

“Earth has no burdens that Heaven can’t heal” – lyric from a David Crowder song

“Blow out from your nose”

“Tuck your chin”

“Last set!”

“It’s gonna be cold when I get out!”

 

 

 

Triathlon Things I’d Buy After I Win Powerball

Like lots of Americans, I like to dream about insane wealth.  Wealth beyond measure.  Beyond my craziest dreams.

Well, dreams could come true tonight when the estimated $1.5 Billion Powerball Lottery is pulled.  I have an awesome chance of winning (something like 1:260,000,000).  So…..when I do win, let’s imagine that I take the cash option – which will net me roughly $850 million prior to paying taxes.  Subtract about 40% for taxes, and that will leave me in the ballpark range of $510 million.

And let’s assume that I want to spend ALL of that money on triathlon related things.  What could I buy?

Of course, I’d want to have everything that I could possibly need to be successful at triathlon, so I’d want to be able to train year-round, in comfort, and have the best-of-the-best.

So….here goes:

Residences:

All good super-rich triathletes need good training locations.  I figure I’ll buy several.

Boulder, CO.  They say that Colorado is prime training ground for triathletes.  Plus it offers training at altitude.  So, I need a place there.  I think I should buy this nice, small 20,000 square foot house with 7 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms.  Plus, it’s a bargain at just $7.5 mil.

boulder

Whitefish, MT.  I love big mountains, and I want to be like Hillary Biscay – so I’ll spend some time living and training in Montana.  Plus, this little bungalow is close to Glacier National Park – one of the prettiest places on the planet.  It’s s quaint cottage at 12,000 square feet and 7 bedrooms – for the cheap price of just $8.75 mil.

Montana

Siesta Key, FL.  As much as I love the mountains, Mrs TriMadness loves the beach.  And why not have a house at the best beach in the USA?  We’ll pick up this nice beach cottage on the southwestern Gulf-side of Florida, south of Tampa, and I’ll only drop about $8 million.

siesta

On The Road.  As a super-rich triathlete, I’ll be racing a lot (because I won’t have anything else to do).  I’ll need to have some way to get to and from my races.  Depending upon where in the world I’ll be racing, I’ll take one of a couple forms of transportation:

Airbus ACJ319.  I’ll likely need to fly some – like to Europe or Australia or somewhere.  To do that, I’ll hitch a ride in my $80 million private plane.

airbus

RV:  Featherlite Vantare Platinum Plus ($2.5 million).  This is not quite the most expensive RV out there, but it’ll do for me.  It has Swarovski Crystals all over it, can sleep me and 8 friends, and I can drive it anywhere I need to.

RV

So – now I have a place to live and ways to get around to all my races, and I’ve only spent about $107 million.

Bike:  Naturally, I’ll need a new rig to ride on in my races.  Perhaps I’ll get the Felt IA FRD bike.  Comes complete with Shimano Dura Ace Di2 components, some sleek aero wheels, a power meter, and much more.  Plus it’s only $15,000.  I’ll buy one for each day of the year (’cause you never want to ride your tri bike again after you pee on it).  Total cost: $5.4 million.

Felt

Wetsuit:  Same concept as with the bike.  Once I “warm up” the suit just once, I’ll never want to wear it again.  So I’ll get 365.  I already have a TYR Hurricane Cat 5 wetsuit, and I like it – so I’ll get the next version up….the TYR Freak of Nature.  And at $1200 each, I’ll only have to spend $0.5 million.

wetsuit

Extra Wheels:  It’s probably a safe thing for me to have extra wheels on hand just in case I trash a set or so each day.  I’m not set on any particular brand of wheels – but let’s figure the top of the line set runs about $2500 each.  I’ll buy 500 sets of wheels and spend about $1.25 million.

Other race gear, Swag, Clothing:  I’m going to race A LOT.  In fact, I’ll race so much that I’ll make the Iron Cowboy look like a chump.  And like all good triathletes, I’ll only wear race gear and tri-specific clothes.  I better set aside $1.5 million to cover all of this stuff

Race Nutrition:  I’ll need to eat when I’m training.  I’m partial to Powerbar products, so maybe I should just buy the company.  Nestle bought Powerbar for about $200 million a year or so ago.  Maybe I could buy Powerbar from Nestle.  Or maybe I could buy Picky Bars from Jesse Thomas.  Let’s do that.  I could probably get that for $10 million or so.

Races:  As I said above, I will be racing a lot.  And who wants to pay all those pesky race entry fees?  I’m going to just buy some races.  WTC recently sold out for $650 million – that’s more than I’d want to pay for races.  Maybe I could buy a bunch of other race series (maybe all the independent triathlons in the country).  Let’s earmark $200 million for that.

Coaches, Nutritionists, Chefs, Massage Therapists, etc.  I’ll need a stable of support people to help me get ready to do all this racing.  I should hire the best of the best.  Michael Phelps can be my swim coach.  I’ll also have Andy Potts on retainer (because he’s an awesome open water swimmer).  Meb Keflezighi will be my running coach.  Maybe I’ll hire Jan Frodeno to be my bike coach.  Great people, but in reality people are cheap.  All of these folks should be attainable for $5 million per year (total).

Hmmmmm.  I’ve only spent about $330 million dollars.  What’s left to get?  What do you think?  Any suggestions?

I’ve got cash to spend….

Sh^t Triathletes Say (and Don’t)

We triathletes…welll…we talk about ourselves.  Typically a lot.  And to anyone.  Our training partners.  Our coach.  Our friends.  Random strangers at the mall.  Basically any person that we can corner and start shelling with our race history and training regimen.

We generally are good sports about it, too.  Many of us like to poke fun at ourselves (and others like us).  I know I LOVE to people watch and have a good sense of self-deprecating humor.  Besides, if I didn’t laugh at myself, I’d only have to go as far as my house – where my wife and kids are spectacular at teasing me.

Last year, lots of folks did blog posts and YouTube videos about “Sh^t Triathletes Say”.  Some are really funny.  I’ve posted what I think is the original below.  Check it out.  Totally cracks me up!

I may or may not have said some of these.  To find out if I have, just follow my blog…

Here’s a video that gives some examples of sh^t we don’t say…

Hope you enjoy these!  And if you don’t like them, just go eat more fiber!

Scientific Review of Triathlete (homo triathletus)

BOULDER, CO

Scientists from the University of Colorado in Boulder recently published their seminal research on a new species of human.  Their research was conducted throughout the world and was funded, in part, through sales of certain medicinal and recreational plants.

These scientists have called their new species a triathlete (homo triathletus).  The redacted review of research identifying this strange species was recently published in the Journal of Medical Fabrication Dynamics and is included below.

The triathlete (homo triathletus) is an endurance junkie whose native range lies largely within developed areas of the globe, concentrated in the Americas, Europe, Australia, but with smaller populations located in other parts of Asia, the Middle East, and extreme southern Africa.  The average male triathlete weighs around 68 – 90 kg, while the female is generally a third of that size.  Sexual dimorphism does not generally exist in this species, with the occasional exception of clothing styles.  This strange species of athlete has evolved to occupy a narrower niche than its sister species, the swimmer (homo waterwingus), the runner (homo mercurial hermes) and the cyclist (homo rapidus pedalus).  While triathlete has not developed body characteristics that differentiate itself from its sister species, research indicates that this species has developed an affinity for objects made from carbon fibres and neoprene.  Although most triathletes are born on land, they spend at least a third of their time in a variety of aquatic environments.  They are equally at home in saltwater environments, freshwater and free-flowing waterways.  They will often be found inhabiting chlorinated, rectangular ponds.  Triathletes hunt for their preferred food of gels, kale, electrolyte drinks, and soy-based energy bars, often living off of convenience food reserves of pretzels, de-fizzed sodas, bananas and chicken broth.

Naming & etymology

Don Shannahan and Jack Johnston, prominent researchers from the San Diego, CA area, were among the first to identify and classify the triathlete as a distinct species in 1974.  Additional research was conducted and published by John Collins in 1978.  The naming convention was based upon the three primary habitats of these creatures:  in water, upon bikes, and afoot.

Biology and Behavior

Physical Characteristics

Exteriorly, triathlete resembles its distant cousin homo sapiens in appearance.  Specimens are found with a myriad of skin and hair colorations.  A commonality found amongst triathlete is that they tend to clothe themselves in form-fitting brightly colored costumes.  One might question the skull structure of some members of this species, given the proclivity to cover their cranium with helmets.  Research has indicated that some, in fact, have evolved teardrop shaped craniums, which is believed to aid in the reduction of a concept known as drag.

Wide-scale observation has revealed that the male of the species may have an innate fear of body fur.  Observations of triathlete in groupings or conclaves within their natural habitat indicate that the males typically are hairless on their lower skeleton.  Additionally, this species often has strange numeric tattoos upon their arms and, oddly, on one leg.

Some specimens of triathlete have been observed with strange color schemes upon their skin – often alternating darker pigmented skin with areas of lighter pigmentation.  Notably, these color variations are found upon the ankle, thigh, and often upon the upper back (which usually presents in semi-circular pattern around the shoulder area).

Hunting and Diet

Triathlete appears to be an omnivore in general, although there are pockets within the species that abstain from certain foodgroups.  Some are apparently berrytarians, consuming a large amount of berries and fruit – often in mixed up beverages called “smoothies”.  Other specimen of triathlete eat nothing but meat (paleo), nothing but gluten products, and nothing with gluten (gluten free).  Research indicates that a high percentage of triathlete have no idea what gluten is, but they either consume it or they don’t.

Interestingly, triathlete tends to gravitate to thick liquids that come packaged in foil-like shells.  These “fruit” (sometimes called “gels” by triathlete) often come in a variety of flavorings, somewhat dependent upon the variety of plant producing the fruit.  Some of the favorite plants include Powerbar, Gu, Hammer, etc.  Curiously, these plants not only produce the foil-like fruit mentioned herein, but they also produce odd square-shaped vegetation that reportedly provides sustainable nutrition for hours.

Behavior

The most remarkable thing about this new species is the behavior that it displays.  H. triathletus is often found in strange gatherings ranging from around 100 to well over 2000.  It is during these gatherings that the true characteristics of this species are displayed.  These gatherings, however, do not represent the totality of the uniqueness this species brings to the ecosystem.  H. triathletus are often found in small packs in one of their preferred habitat, swimming merily, furiously pedaling, or running as if fleeing from their sole predator, Homo fatamusbottomus.

In culture

Indigenous folklore reflects that triathlete appears to enjoy suffering.  They have been seen stumbling, crawling, and otherwise struggling.  Some of the more developed of the species even has been witnessed completing their unique mating activity – called by some “the Blazeman Roll”.  Other species tend to view triathlete with suspicion, fear and concern.