TriMadness Practical Coaching Tips: Rockets of Snot

There are so many tips and tidbits on the web relating to coaching and improving particular aspects of our swimbikerun toolkit.  Authors write books about proper swim technique.  We focus on our running cadence and cycling power numbers.  We invest countless time attempting to perfect a flying mount or dismount.

The sheer amount of practical tips that one can find online are often overwhelming for many.

What you often don’t find, however, are the REAL and PRACTICAL tips that every triathlete needs.  For example, some of the real things we need to know include:  how to properly and appropriately warm up a wetsuit on a cold morning, how to pull a water bottle out of your behind the seat cage while you’re in aero, how to properly sight while swimming, how to properly apply the tattoo-like race numbers to our arms and legs, etc.

And so, out of sheer servitude to the greater triathlon community, TriMadness today offers critical training on how to accomplish what could be perhaps one of the most important skills required during the cycling or running phase of your triathlon. 

The Snot Rocket.

We understand that this topic could be a little sensitive to some.  Disgusting, perhaps.  But let’s face it, we’re all human….we all have nasal build-up occasionally, and most of us don’t typically carry around a box of Kleenex while we’re cycling or running.  Hence, we all have a need to be able to properly execute a forceful nasal discharge.

Below are very clear, step-by-step instructions for how to properly send a booger into orbit without defacing your tri top:

1.  Obtain critical mass within your sinus cavity.  This is best obtained in periods following headcolds, mornings where the ambient temperature is relatively low, or months of the year when pollen counts are extraordinarily high

2.  Scan the environment.  Make absolutely sure that there are no runners to your immediate right or left.  If cycling, make sure that no one is drafting off of you.  If you’re going fast, make sure that there are no pedestrians either.  If you’re concerned about road rage, it’s probably a good idea to make sure that there’s not a car behind you as well.  If you’re in a race, and have humility issues, make sure that there are no spectators close by.  That is, of course, unless you’re specifically targeting a particular spectator on the side of the road.  In that case, you should move slightly towards the outside of your bike lane to ensure optimal striking capabilities.

3.  Prime the pump.  Let’s face it, you have to arm the air-cannon.  Take a deep breath.  Enough said.

4.  Fire the torpedo tube.  Using caution to appropriately plug one of the barrels of your double-barreled cannon, forcefully exhale to propel your nasal ordinance.  If you have obtained sufficient globular cohesion, your ammo should travel forcefully out and away from your body, leaving you feeling clean and refreshed.

5.  Avoid collateral damage.  The goal here is to make certain you don’t end up looking like you stepped out of the movie “Dumb and Dumber” and have a crusty face or clothes.  Make certain that you turn your head slightly, tilt your head, or don’t face into the wind when launching your mucus missile.

There.  Consider yourself appropriately trained in terms of how to achieve optimal nasal discharge during endurance exercise events. 

Next up in the TriMadness practical training seminar series:  “How to avoid yellow socks:  Proper on-the-bike urination techniques”